Who am i

Written for me

2012-02-02T11:11:00.001-08:00

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember
You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so
rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then
change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me
over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd
done
And I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that
you used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Somebody
(I used to know)
Somebody
(Now you're just somebody that I used to know)

Life has started all over again!

2009-11-26T11:22:00.001-08:00

Operation done!

The moment I came out of the operation, life had a new outlook. Positivity is now flowing through my body.

The past 12 months has been a constant worry, "will it happen, when will it happen, will i ever be able to..." its been a nightmare for everyone in my life.

Now its a countdown to kick off!! ahhh I'm so excited just thinking about kicking a football again!!

Everything pre-op that was a worry, no longer worries me. Girls are still an issue but when will that ever stop!!

I feel positive about my career, about the RAF, about Egypt in Feb, about Xmas, about everything! Finally i have clarity, my knee will be back 100% and ill be back to my old self! In the words of Westonians, WHOOP!!

My dad

2009-10-05T19:36:00.000-07:00

This has taken me years to come to this moment, where i feel like I'm ready to talk about my dad.. I thank 2009 for that, meeting my Egyptian family, seeing my dads mum and brother for the first time since the funeral in 2003. Sorry but alot of this is being done when im inspired so wont be in order but hopefully will make sense in a week or so...

I have so much anger and pain inside still at the thought that i no longer have a father, i would say i cant explain the sense of loss inside or the impact it has everyday on my life, but I'm going to attempt it.

The day it happened...

I cant remember exactly what i was doing but i was upstairs, my mum was on her way out, i heard my brother run to the front door screaming to my mum, I ran down stairs completely confused. he shouted to call an ambulance, i ran into the lounge... what i saw was the most painful sight i will ever see in my life, my dad sat there fitting. I ran over to him to try and stop him suffering. There was nothing i could do. I grabbed his hand as firm as i could. for some reason i said "squeeze my hand if you love me" he squeezed. THIS IS HARD its the first time i have thought about this day since it happened...

My mum and I tried to lie him on the floor, his legs collapsed and his head dropped back...at that moment my world caved in, i knew he was gone. the next 10 minutes are a blur...

I ran outside with my phone into the street...

2009

This year has been the hardest mentally for me, a culmination of bad luck has made me crave my dads advice, i feel not having his advice has shaped my life so far, both good and bad.

He would have ensured I went to uni - no doubt about that, i wouldnt have made mistakes ive made, even though learning from my mistakes is kind of 'my thing'!.

My mum has been there but more financially to keep everything going, not emotionally at all, because i look so similar to my dad her anger has been focused towards me rather than other members of the family. She doesnt understand how my mind works, what i value in life, my ideas, thought processes...We dont connect at all...sometimes i lie awake at night, with a gutwrenching and unfortunate feeling that i wish my dad is alive and not my mum...selfish?? I think im allowed to be selfish.
I dont wish what has happened to me on anyone else, my mates really dont understand how strong a person i am, ive had a few bad days, but ive always pulled through and tried to embrase life.

I idolised my dad, he took me everywhere, introduced me to so many things, we argued alot and he put me in my place almost every day of my life! but i miss that so so much. The older i get, the sadder i get as my family tell me how much i am becoming like him. Im like mini-doug (dads name)! which im quite proud of! I miss his presence, his smell, his stupidness. I always remember when my mates would come round, he would always tell a silly joke and mess around. I also remember his pride when people on the touchline at football would compliment my football style and when i played a great round of golf and got praise from others.

Mum
I love my mum, i really do, i respect the way she has been so strong for herself and my brother and sister, but i hate the way she treats me as the shadow of dad. Im not him, very similar yes, but not him. She does some awful things to get my feelings out of me... I dont want to express my feelings to her.. yes shes my mum but i feel like i dont know anything about her life, and to be honest i dont. We have the relationship where i tell her absolutely nothing about moments in my life.

...Cairo

2009-10-05T16:53:00.000-07:00

I miss you so much.

How can 3 weeks of 23 years leave such a huge mark on my life...thats Cairo.

The air (lack of), the heat, smells, vibrant atmosphere, the bridge, crazy beeping horns celebrating marriage...

Coffee shops - I never understood the concept of a coffee shop, sitting there drinking stupid amounts of coffee. Now i do, living in a city like Cairo is insane, i guess its like the haven of a football pitch for me, being away from all the hussle and bussle of life, be alone with your thoughts.

I want to see you again!

:(

2009-09-28T17:11:00.000-07:00

I need someone to shake me. it feels like im in a dream...

the last few weeks with....the above lyrics are perfect

Since Egypt...

2009-09-14T17:35:00.000-07:00

My life has changed so much since Egypt, I went there with an amazing job, huge personal confidence and excitement at fulfilling a life time ambition...I came back missing a home i hadn't known for my entire life, no career, no girlfriend...

So many questions entered my mind on my return to the UK... what do i want from life, who do i want to share it with...where will i be in 5 years.

I passed my RAF test, one of the most emotional and personal days of my life. I have never felt so much pride in my own ability, to join the establishment which moulded my fathers life for 18 years, a feeling i hope to feel time and time again in the future...and i intend to.

Unfortunately my life is currently on hold, I need an ACL and Meniscus reconstruction on my right knee...:( No RAF, fun and most importantly to me...NO FOOTBALL for at least 8 months.

I'm a strong person, i feel i can get through this, i need a little help from friends and family though, which I'm not getting.
I'm not one to show my emotions or talk about my feelings, i normally save that for someone sacred in my life. Unfortunately i no longer have that, so I'm opening up to my blog...i need to write again or I'm going to crumble.

The job hunt isn't going too well, i feel pressure from my family to get a job, I've always been the one who has been ok, mainly got what i wanted in life, excelled at everything. But now is difficult times, there are thousands of people out of work due to the financial crisis, its depressing, especially as I'm one of the unlucky ones.

I'm planning on going back to Egypt for the second stage of my knee rehab, to rediscover the passion i had for life and help me refocus on my ambitions in life.

In 6 months time i hope my life will be back to how it was a year ago -, Playing football, being in a relationship, good job, excitement at the future. Its the opposite at the moment, but its only a year, I've lived 22 relatively happy ones, i suppose a bad year isn't going to hurt!

What is it....

2009-08-06T11:31:00.002-07:00

I feel a missing piece to my life, I have awoken to feelings of emptiness, regret and stupidity.
Since I ended my relationship with Alex (ex girlfriend for over 4 years) in November all I have wanted to be is single, free...

It was such a confusing last 6 months with her, I loved her..i really did, with all my heart, but I wanted to find myself, who I really am. I felt being as one with another person had taken away my identity. It all seemed so clear, now 9 months on...its all unclear again.
I have met some lovely women during my 9 months of 'freedom' I really have, but for some reason i have stuck to my morale's and not developed anything further in terms of a relationship.

Since my 'Egypt Experience' and seeing the love Jimmy has for my cousin Sara (they are engaged to be married), it made me sort of jealous, not of Sara or Jimmy, but the concept and feelings he has....I'll explain...

I came to realise I want to love someone as much as Jimmy loves Sara, to meet someone I find special and want to share my life with. I was jealous of the situation..maybe the beginning of a realisation i might figure out further into this blog. I have felt the same at times about my brothers relationship with his fiance. Selfish?

During periods of my stay in Egypt, I didn't think Sara realised how privileged she is to have such a lovely man care for her, Everyone has their flaws right? Its a case of working through them and loving people for who they are, not what you want them to be....For a while I was on her side, masked by the families comments and standards without even meeting the guy. This is also against one of my fundamental morale's in life 'don't let others mask the appearance of another, find who they are yourself' - I have let this one slip a lot recently...

Maybe my mentality is too male orientated, Maybe men are supposed to chase women...

Maybe men are supposed to start off on a rubble pile and work their way to respect and trust?

During my stay in Egypt I developed a relationship with a lovely girl in England.We had spoken before my travels but not met up, She was the first person I'd speak to when something exciting happened, when i had issues, anything...for some reason i wanted her to know about my life, my new experiences, i wanted to involve her.
When i returned from Egypt, i felt the urge to meet up with her and share my experiences face to face, needless to say we met up, went to a lovely Italian restaurant and had a great time. Instantly i wanted to see her again. We met again and had another great evening - shes just moved into her own place, lovely little house not far from where i live, had Chinese and watched rubbish tele. Good times :D
I returned home feeling a little odd, like I'd done something wrong... the same feeling was coming back that i had with my other relationship ventures...MORALE'S...I plucked up the courage to stop proceedings...but... i lied to her.I told her i couldn't develop a relationship because I'm joining the RAF and might be going travelling very soon, Which in theory is true, but not the underlining fact as to my stupidity. I know the mind does many strange things and trying to decipher these feelings into meanings and rationality is all part of life, but this is an issue I'm really puzzled on.
Right...I'm going to explain the outcome of what I've been thinking before i fell asleep, and subconsciously over the past two days.

I think i want a relationship, no i WANT a relationship.
I miss the late nights watching crappy TV and laughing at stupid, pointless things, having silly little conversations, lying on the sofa together, going out, planning trips...I get excited by the simple things in life. I also very much miss having someone care about me like I'm the most important person in the world, sounds selfish...but doesn't everyone want that? also i miss caring about someone so much it hurts.

My issue is... I think I'm trying to find the perfect match, the 'one'. I've watched many films and read many books about the 'one' and laughed it off as rubbish, I'm of the feeling that there are 100's of the 'one', its just a case of crossing paths, that you can't go searching, love will eventually find you. I'm going against my own ideas and thinking?
I've been sat here for 30 minutes, no typing, just thinking...Here is what I can come up with...
My plan from now on...
Enjoy life, Don't put pressure on myself, Seize the moment, Don't let negative thoughts get in the way...and don't rush into anything unless I'm genuinely interested, Not because of the selfishness of wanting the familiarities of a relationship without thinking of the emotional effect it may cause others. You only live once.

Good evaluation and plan?

My passion...

2009-08-06T11:31:00.001-07:00

Im writing this as an educational to my Egyptian family, my obsession, lust, relationship with football...
Just the thought of kicking a ball excites me, visions of scoring the vital goal infront of the infamous Kop, for my beloved Liverpool FC has been a constant dream for as long as i can remember!
My passion in life has always been football, the hallowed turf, the opportunity to be in my own little world for 90 minutes, 22 running feet, one ball, one objective... Victory.
From my first memory, going to watch Aston Villa play, I cant remember the opposition, i remember the excitement of the people on the supporters coach, people from all different backgrounds, Lawyers, Doctors, Bin men, Shopkeepers, all coming together in harmony for one cause...the Claret and Blue army.
From this moment, Football has taken a place in my heart no-one can take away from me.
When i watch Liverpool play on tv, whether it be a friendly against medeocre opposition, or a Champions League Final again Milan, i still get the same bursting excitement.

July

2009-08-06T11:29:00.000-07:00

All the comments below are HONEST, no lies, you people who know me will appreciate this is the REAL me talking for the first time in a long time.
Well here i am... 3:35am 04 August 09, contemplating just exactly what i want out of life...
Let me first explain my month of July, which has passed in a emotional blur and how this confusion has arisen, be prepared for a long and hopefully interesting read...
Towards the end of June I logged into my email account on a normal boring english day to encounter a familiar name request to add me as a friend on Facebook..Sara El-Sayeh, I recognise the Sara, but not the ... El-Sayeh.I look closer to see she is friends with my uncle Steve who resides in South Africa. Excitement and memories steamed through my body....Is it...could it be...really... realisation kicked in... ITS MY COUSIN FROM EGYPT!
I have dreamt many times of the small capsule in time we spent together in my Grandma's spare room attempting to write Arabic (i was useless).
Sara is my Dads cousins daughter in Egypt. My father randomly decided to die around 6 years ago...i dont like to remember the specific date as i feel it stops me living my own life and instead live the memory of my fathers, might not make sense to you but it does to me. ever since that day i have pondered at the life of my distant cousins and if they still remember me.
Anyway, As days and hours of talking on Facebook passed, i managed to start the foundations of a relationship with whom, as the month unravelled would turn out to be the greatest cousins i could ever ask for. Salma, Sara, Sondos, Saeed, Hamoodi and Rana.DONT CRY PETE...MAN UP!
After about a week of talking to Salma and Sara, the suggestion came up of a visit to Egypt. In this week i had just been advised by my employer i might be loosing my career and was placed on gardening leave for 5 weeks. Talk about two contradictory events!! After discussions with relatives we decided it would be a perfect opportunity for me to go and visit.

The opportunity of a lifetime to meet the family of a parent i hold so dear to my heart... Im sorry but words cant possibly explain the excitement i felt the moment i was invited.
Originally it was only going to be myself going to visit, I asked my brother, but he is saving to get married next June (so happy for him) and my sister was in the process of moving home so couldn't come. Which scared and also angered me as i wanted to share this experience with them as i know they miss Dad as much as i do, and thought it would help bring us closer together as we have become quite distant in recent years as siblings.
Then all of a sudden my young cousin (Jennifer) from London messages saying shes coming with me. I was not happy with this initially as our families havent spoken since my fathers death due to reasons not explained to me, but as days passed i started to become excited at the prospect of getting to know my once incredibly annoying cousin and see hows shes developed mentally since our last encounter. Jennifer had a similair tradegy to me when her father died, so i felt we could relate in that way if nothing else.

Day of departure

All packed and ready to go! I arose at around 4:30, caught the train to bristol then bus to London, I had arranged to stay at my auntie Susan's house the night before the flight as to spend some time with Jen and Harry.
The moment Sue pulled up in the train station i knew it was going to be awkward...and it was. I got into the car to momentary silence. Then we started talking like there was no tension, no distance between us at all. very odd.
Needless to say i was asked alot of questions and gave alot of answers without knowing what the issues are surrounding the families.I have taken the opinion in life that i live a seperate life to my mum and her issues with my dads family and vice-versa are theirs and not mine. I want to build my own relationships, not based on my mothers or anyone elses, but on my own personality and merit. Because of this mentality I have never asked the awkward questions to my mum about her relationship with my Auntie and Grandma, which appeared to baffle Sue slightly as to my lack of knowledge and care about the subject. Maybe my mentality is wrong? but its my mentality!
We left on good terms and Jen and I headed to Heathrow! Jen being understandably aprehensive about leaving her family and going to see people she hadnt seen in such a long time. I was the opposite, filled with excitement and wonder about meeting my relatives and seeing a country, culture and history i have wanted to visit and learn about all of my life. ....

As the flight unfolded, Thoughs of my dad entered my mind, I quizzed myself as to whether he would actually want me to visit his family, i dont know why, do you ever create a negative out of a positive, just to bring some sense of clarity to a situation or calm? I didnt know much of his relationship with my Egyptian family, just the fact he admired them and adored his mother. My mum doesn't speak about the 'other' side of the family at all, and when i have asked about them, and what they are like i have been met with glaring eyes. I know my mum likes them i just dont think she wants to be reminded of what she has left behind, or atleast i hope thats the case. We entered Egyptian airspace after 5 long hours, my face pinned to the window, looking for any hint of a triangular object or historic monument... "Is that one...no its a house...Is that a....No Pete its a building". So much anticipation began to build up inside me, what activites would we undertake during a three week stay..The Pyramids at Giza, Luxor, getting to know my family, The Nile, The weather, I couldnt tell if i was sweating from the excitement or the skin blistering heat!